I used to date this guy. Let’s call him Kevina. Kevina had this problem a lot of the loser men who decide to take on the Manhattan scene in search of what else? getting laid, seem to have. They go through all sorts of planning and scheming to give the illusion of a life they could never possibly achieve, in search of the ultimate prize: hot, young chicks. He’s the type of guy who leases high class cars, bums drinks off friends, borrows cash and mysteriously disappears when bills or paybacks are due, you know? A real scumbag. Usually I can spot this type of man a mile away, a complete wannabe, who tries to hobnob with the New York elite, yet fakes his education, salary and job history. Sooner or later you get caught.

Kevina and I met in 2006, at the Soho Grand, when times were good, people were generous, drinks were flowing, bottles were popping and he was still able to make his Jaguar lease payments. He was your standard mid 40s, divorced white boy. Yeah I know what you’re thinking! Why am I wasting my time on a divorce man with enormous baggage? Well he was sexy, in good shape, had a nice car, knew the right people (or so I thought) and I never once had to pay for a drink while we were out (neither did he, I now remember).

We would frequently go to events and outings with Kevina’s friend Jack, a highfalutin hedge fund founder who easily picked up the tab for all of us. Kevina never once picked up the check. I never thought about what a cheap son of a b*tch he was at all during our “courtship”. I thought maybe Kevina brought in some business for Jack, based on his extensive list of “contacts” and name dropping but after doing a background check on Kevina, I realized he wasn’t at all what he was portraying himself to be. He was ALL FLASH AND NO CASH.

Kevina boasted about his fledgling internet business and how he made a million dollars a year. I believed him. His $2,000 suits and 2007 brand new Jaguar were hard to imagine it coming from a man who came from nothing. He had to have been exposed to some sort of sophistication throughout his life. But what I came to find out was a desperate act to parlay his million dollar fantasy into a Manhattan life full of lies, deceit, unfaithfulness and social climbing.

After about 6 months of Kevin and me hanging out, I started to put a few things together. We went on about 2 intimate dates. The rest of the dates was spent hanging out with Jack, or others, with someone else picking up the bill!

We always went home to MY apartment. He wanted sex right away! He was so horny to the point of desperation, unbecoming for a man with all this cash. Like chill out on the flash. Am I right?

Eventually I asked Kevina’s friend Jack what the hell was up with this guy. Jack stumbled and blurted out, “He’s married with 2 kids in the suburbs. He’s supposedly working on a divorce”.

THIS MADE SENSE. WOMEN! TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!

I cut off all ties with this loser and believe you & me, it was not easy. He wept like a baby. He wept like a little bald baby. A bald baby with a matching bald wee wee. What married loser with 2 children weeps over a mistress, once he’s caught in his web of lies? A pussy that is who. A pussy who can’t even afford to keep a mistress. Hey buddy – when you’re trying to live in the fast lane without any gas, you’re eventually going to break down!

See, when a recession hits, that’s when the walls come tumbling down. What is that Warren Buffet expression? Only when the tide goes out do you discover who's been swimming naked. Exactamundo! Living a lie eventually catches up to you.
Fast forward to May 2010.

Jack called me out of the blue. His hedge fund blew up and he was essentially homeless. He was evicted from the apartment Kevina was allowed to crash at when he was not at my place or whoever else he was dating. Jack called me for money. I gave him $2,000.

Kevina is still living in the suburbs. He never did get an apartment in the city. He never could afford a divorce. He did lose the Jaguar. Loser!

Ladies:

A little word to the wise-
1) Have men buy your drinks. Whether you are looking for sex or not, the man should be a gentleman and buy your drinks, particularly if he is talking to you. I do not want to hear, “I don’t want a gold-digger.” It’s a cop out. Sophisticated women do not waste their time on cheap asses with no class.
2) See his apartment or where he lives. This still does not mean he does not have a wife and kids in the suburbs. It just means he CAN AFFORD to have a wife and kids in the suburbs.
3) VERY Horny men, usually mean the man is married. He is not afforded too many nights out and when he is, it’s usually a “guy’s night”. If you ever find out he is married with children, you will not be in the land of high class mistresses because he can't afford hookers or other women.
4) Size and stamina does matter. Don't waste your time otherwise.
5) Don’t waste your time on a man who doesn’t pull out his wallet.
6) If you have any inclination he is a cheap ass, run for the suburbs!!!